Are you so tired of reading self-care posts about “taking time for yourself” by “going for a walk” or “taking a bubble bath?” Is that really going to address what really ails you? That bone-weary, heart-empty, threadbare-soul exhaustion at the core of your being? I didn’t think so. Me either.
A few years ago, seeing how worn down I was, my Mom came and stayed with our kids so my husband and I could go away for a couple of days and rest. While we were gone, I did rest. I slept. A lot. I read. We walked. We enjoyed the quiet, and I felt a little better. But when we came home, we were through the door barely 5 minutes when two of my children started arguing while the third one was whining my name. My whole body tensed as another huge wave of anxiety and overwhelm came crashing over me. Again. It was still there.
I was so frustrated with myself. I had just had several lovely, restful days away. Why do I still feel like this? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get out from under it?
Because, for many of us, the real issue of self-care is not merely about these external things. That’s not to say that these aren’t good things and they don’t help. We should be doing these things, but when all is not well for your soul, it needs so much more than chicken soup. It needs an intervention. Maybe it even needs a trauma center.
What is self-care?
Self-care basically means regarding our own needs as equally important as the needs of our people, and attending to them with equal attention.
The Psalmist writes: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Ps. 139:14).
And we are! We are complex beings, so much more than just the sum of our physical parts. An intricate and one-of-a-kind combination of experiences, emotions, thoughts, memories, strengths, weaknesses, personalities, dreams, giftings, relationships, beliefs, and needs. And that’s not even a complete list!
Why is self-care so important for Moms?
Mothers in particular are notorious for spending everything they have, time, energy, money, caring for the needs of their families (and others!), yet too often, we neglect ourselves in the process. After all, isn’t considering ourselves and our own needs “selfish?” Our financial, energy and time banks are not limitless, after all. There’s only so much to go around. How can we use any of it for ourselves when we are surrounded by so many needs?
My precious friend, that is exactly why we must. Because if we don’t, we will run out. We will crash and burn. And what can we give then?
Selfishness disregards the needs of others in favour of one’s own profit or pleasure. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)
Self-care is watchful attention to one’s own health, safety and wellbeing and is born out of a regard for the common good. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)
4 Areas of self-care
Overwhelmed by where to even begin? Me too! Let’s break it down. There are 4 basic areas of your life that make you you:
- Physical
- Mental
- Emotional
- Spiritual
All of these parts of our being are intricately and beautifully connected, and if we are not paying attention to what we need to be well in any one of these areas, eventually, they will all suffer.
Physical
So many articles I’ve read about self-care give short lists of suggestions that typically include:
- Taking a walk
- Getting more sleep
- Drinking more water
- Eating a more balanced diet.
But don’t we know that already? If that’s all we needed, we wouldn’t feel so desparate!
What about when we don’t even have the capacity to think about these things let alone do them?
When I was at my worst, I didn’t have the energy to even get off the couch most days, let alone take a walk. I could do ONE thing a day: get dressed, or make dinner. Clean the bathroom, or take a shower. Every day I had to choose which one thing was the most important to accomplish because it was all I could do.
What are the underlying causes of your fatigue?
Finally, I made an appointment with my doctor, who ran some tests, then sent me to a Naturopath, who also ran some tests. It turned out that I had some underlying medical conditions contributing to my exhaustion that would require much more than a nap and 8 glasses of water to fix.
Mental
Mental health can be a sticky topic because for so many people mental health gets tangled up with spiritual health, and it can be hard to separate the two. But the more I’ve learned, studied and listened in this area, the more I’m convinced that more often than not, it’s medical.
Once I began taking better care of my body, and the fog started to clear a little bit, I was able to see other areas of my life where I had been ignoring my own needs in ways that were costing me, (and my family) too much.
Even though physically I was feeling much better, I was still struggling with some physical symptoms that wouldn’t go away. Headaches, muscle aches, tight chest, and difficulty regulating my emotions. Though I had more energy, and Netflix was no longer parenting for me, I still didn’t feel like I was fully myself.
Back to the doctor I went. She diagnosed me as “low-seratonin,” which was causing anxiety and depression. Again, within a couple of weeks of starting medication, the headaches and muscle aches subsided, the tightness in my chest eased, and my emotions felt more even. I felt calmer, and more relaxed. Restfullness and sleep came easier, and my energy got better still.
What does your brain need to feel well?
Mental health is basically finding out what your brain needs, and attending to it. Some people have low insulin. They’re called diabetics. Some people have low blood-sugar. They’re called hyopglycemic. If my brain is deficient in a chemical that it needs to operate at it’s best, that is no more a faith issue than the diabetic who needs insulin.
Emotional
Emotional health isn’t as hot a buzz word as mental and physical health, so we often overlook this very important aspect of ourselves and the profound impact our emotional health has on our over all well being.
Many of us are carrying heavy burdens and broken hearts. Losses, traumas, toxic work and social environments, illnessness, financial burdens, strained family relationships. So many things that grieve the heart and weary the soul. How we react to these hardships, and even more importantly, what we tell ourselves about how we react, can have a profound impact on our emotional health.
What emotional burdens are weighing you down?
Seeking the help of a professional counselor was hands down one of the best things I have ever done to take care of myself. Yes, I had wonderful, close, trustworthy people in my life that I could share my heart with, but I needed the insight and expertise of someone who could help me sort through the mess. Counselling helped me recognize which situations I actually could do something about, but also how to cope with the things I couldn’t in healthier ways. Counselling helped me sort through my mess of emotions, set healthy boundaries, and the important difference between self-care and selfishness.
Spiritual
Our spiritual well being is the most important of our over all health. What we believe about God and ourselves is where all of these other things come together and inform how we move through the world.
What do you believe about God?
I used to think that spending time with God everyday was something He expected of me, one more thing on my never-ending “to-do” list, one I just didn’t have the motivation, the time or energy for. And I felt guilty about it too, like standing-up a friend for a coffee date. Eventually, I would slink back into His presence, shoulders hunched, head low, like a wayward child hoping to avoid wrath with a humble apology. Surely God was disappointed in me. Surely I was falling short of what he required of me. Coming into his presence like this was not something I looked forward to. I just didn’t think I had anything of value to give Him.
But as it turns out, that’s exactly the point. Spending time with the Lord is not something I do for him, it’s something he does for me. He knows I’m empty. He knows I’m spent. He knows I have nothing to offer. That’s why he wants to pour into me. To fill me, refresh me, renew me. He is not standing there looking at his watch, tapping his foot and shaking his head at how long it’s been since I was here last. He’s waiting patiently and eagerly, full of anticipation and joy for my arrival!
What do you believe about yourself?
When Peter refused to let Jesus wash his feet, Jesus said, “unless I wash you, you have no part with me.” (John 13:8, NIV).
Like Peter, I resisted allowing the hands that hold all things together to reach down low and wash my feet. But this is how Jesus affirms our identity in him. He shows us how to love others by loving us. He shows us how to serve others by serving us, and not only that, he enables us to serve others by serving us.
In other words, we can’t serve him without being served by him. If we aren’t filled by him, we can’t pour out for him. We can’t give what we don’t have, and only he can give it.
What does your soul need to be well?
The days we feel least worthy to be in his presence are the days we need it most. These moments are opportunities to see him for who he really is, so we can believe him when he tells us who we really are. This is where we separate lies from truth, and realize that taking care of the body, mind and soul that he gave us is not just an act of obedience, but an act of worship. (See Romans 12:1).
So what do you think? Are you worth the same care as others?
To help you get started, download and print this self-care guide and choose one suggestion to try this week.
Lavona says
Well said Jennifer. So many just don’t see the importance of all of these aspects of our lives, how can we truly love others as ourselves if we don’t love ourselves enough to look after all aspects of ourselves.
Japhia says
You have a beautiful heart, and I can just hear your gentle voice in my ear as I read this! We can’t resist or run from ourselves – we begin by knowing who we are – and kicking the comparison trap to the curve!! We wouldn’t be half as harsh on ourselves if we didn’t set such ridiculous expectations based on our perceived reality of “others” – which is likely not reality at all!! Getting to know who we are, and who we are in Christ, is the foundation for contentment – but it will require hard work til our last breath! Praying for you.
noel says
“Spending time with the Lord is not something I do for him, it’s something he does for me.” So good and so true and something I needed to be reminded of. Beautiful post, women need this perspective because I am tired of people suggesting bubble baths to recharge! Gah!