In her book, For The Love, author Jen Hatmaker describes two kinds of families: sweet families, and spicy families. We are most definitely a “spicy family.” The word gentle does not come to mind as an observer of our daily family dynamics and interactions. For years, I would see social media posts, articles, and books about “gentle parenting,” and how to disciple my children gently, feeling like an utter failure. It seems gentle parenting only works with gentle children. Of our four children, three of them have ADHD, two of them have anxiety and Autism spectrum disorders, and all of them struggle with emotional dysregulation. Combined with my own autoimmune disease and high sensitivity, our home is in a constant state of over-stimulation. Some combination of us is always in fight-or-flight mode. How on earth can I “gentle parent” that??
The Cultural Perspective on Gentleness
The Oxford English Dictionary defines gentleness this way:
- the quality of being kind, tender, or mild-mannered.
- softness of action or effect; lightness.
Mild-mannered. Soft. Light. It seems our world has interpreted “gentleness” to mean “ineffective.” Being “mild-mannered” and “soft of effect” is not the way to get your needs met. In fact, in our house, it’s a surefire way to get steamrolled!
When we think of ‘gentleness,’ what comes to mind? Weakness? Passivity? Timidity? Silence? Jesus, our only perfect example of anything, was perfectly gentle, and yet definitely not weak! So what does gentleness look like on a Wednesday afternoon when two kids are melting down, one is slamming her door and one leaves the house without telling me where he’s going? What does biblical gentleness actually mean then?
Colossians 3:12 – A Fresh Look
Enter Colossians 3:12,
Therefore, as God’s chosen ones, holy and dearly loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience…” (CSB)
These words have been stuck in my mind and my heart, especially over the last few years as our family’s ever-changing needs continue to soar, peace feels elusive and gentleness impossible. And yet, I know that the things impossible with man are possible with God.
The Greek word used here for gentleness is “praiotes,” which means: “strength in gentleness,” avoids unnecessary harshness, yet without compromising or being too slow to use necessary force.” (Strong’s Concordance). Is this not the very picture of who Christ is? The essence of Jesus’ kind of gentleness is not passive or weak. Not at all! It’s a response, rather than a reaction, and not even so much about whether we respond, so much as about how we respond.
But there’s more. Paul describes these qualities as clothing. What does it mean to “clothe ourselves” with these attributes? These qualities are the very nature of Christ’s character, which we are to “put on” and wear as clothing, visible to every person we encounter. Gentleness is not biological, something we’re either born with or not. It’s something we can choose to put on and take off, like clothing. What’s more, these clothes are for all believers, regardless of our personalities or circumstances. This exhortation is for us all, as it reflects the heart of God and the character of Christ who lives within us.
Gentleness in the Eyes of Jesus
Can we even imagine a world where gentleness is synonymous with strength? What about just our own homes? Jesus—a revolutionary, a beacon of love and grace. He flipped tables in temples and also washed the feet of his disciples. But how did Jesus exemplify a gentleness that was neither timid nor weak? Think about His interactions with children, His willingness to engage with outcasts, or His open arms for all, even those society saw as irredeemable. Wasn’t that strength in its purest form? Jesus was not concerned with societal norms and expectations. He wasn’t worried about his reputation with the “church crowd.” He concerned himself primarily with care for those with whom the church had been harsh and impatient. He came to see the overlooked, to care for the marginalized, and to forgive the judged. His gentleness was a refuge of safety for the afflicted.
Every time we see Jesus’ anger, it is toward the religious, those who considered themselves righteous because they obeyed the letter of the law, but failed to grasp the spirit of the law. They were lenient with themselves, but harsh with others. This is not how it works in God’s economy. Once again, Jesus flips human logic upside down and does the opposite. He overturns the tables of the money lenders and calls the religious elite “white-washed tombs,” and then goes and lays his own life down, becoming obedient to death on a cross without speaking a single word in his own defense. Jesus was gentle with the afflicted, and tough with the adversarial.
The greatest shift came for me when I began to see my children’s struggles as an affliction, rather than an adversary.
What Gentleness is NOT
And here’s where many of us stumble. When we are surrounded by chaos and noise, our natural reaction is to get bigger and louder to overpower and squash the chaos. And when we think of gentleness as a trait, like handedness, something some people have and some people don’t, or as a strategy that doesn’t work, a sensitivity to be overcome, or an emotional handicap to be corrected, we end up fueling the chaos rather than soothing it.
The Radical Nature of True Gentleness
If strength is not overturning tables and gentleness isn’t being a doormat, In God’s Kingdom economy, strength is not aggression, and gentleness is not a lack of courage. True gentleness is strength under control.
Our world, and our homes for that matter, are rife with power plays and dominance struggles, chaos and noise, offenses and reactions. Yet, Jesus spoke of inheriting the earth with meekness. Could gentleness be the most courageous way to parent a “spicy family?” Could it be that in our gentle responses, we’re echoing the radical grace that Christ himself exemplified?
Living out Gentleness At Home
There is a quote I love by psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl that I just love:
I am not perfect at this. Not by a long shot! But I have learned a few simple strategies that have helped this truth to take root in my heart. Since gentleness is not a personality type, but a chosen response, I have started paying more attention to that space in between. For me, I find it most helpful to fill that space with a breath prayer, like Proverbs 15:1:
Inhale: A gentle answer
Exhale: Turns away wrath
Or, in more desperate situations, just a straight-up prayer for help!
Inhale: Jesus help me!
Exhale: Respond gently!
Then, I lower my voice (volume and tone), and slow my words. My response is intentionally low, and slow. Usually, this kind of response helps de-escalate a pending volcanic eruption and mitigates the resulting damage considerably. When I stay calm, I’m more effective at soothing a chaotic child. Truthfully, this practice has not transformed our family. We still have pretty much the same number of meltdowns and misunderstandings. But what it has transformed, is me. A classic over-reacter my whole life, this practice has calmed my own inner emotional tsunami considerably, which in turn, benefits my family.
Conclusion
I am still not perfect at this. There are still times that I react, rather than respond. I still forget to pay attention to the space more often than I’d like to admit, but I am growing. My children may not recognize or appreciate this hard, painful, deep-plowing work I am doing with the Holy Spirit in my own heart, but that’s ok. I am learning that “raising my children up in the way they should go” doesn’t mean controlling their behavior or minimizing their struggles, but discipling by modeling submission to the Lord’s work in my own heart.
Is our home gentler? No. Not really, if I’m being honest. But I am. I am gentler. And for now, that’s victory enough!