Growing up, I frequently heard my mom say that what comes out of the toothpaste tube when it’s squeezed is more important than what squeezed it. Fast forward a few years to my early 30’s. Now a young mom myself of two small boys, I thought I had lived so much life, learned so much wisdom, gained so much capacity. I thought I knew my contents. Until someone close to me hurt me, and then dared to call me out for something they themselves had done and not acknowledged. The injustice of it, the hypocrisy of it, and most painfully the truth of it, unglued me. After I writhed in my anger and shame for a few days, my wise and gracious mother took my hands in hers and said “Sweetheart, I think what’s coming out of your toothpaste tube needs more attention than who squeezed it.”
Having crawled through pits of flame and flood herself, my mom was gently calling my gaze back to a more relevant place. Never mind the cause, what is the effect? It was the beginning of a long, painful and necessary journey for me towards healing and self-friendship, expanding my capacity for grace even more. This is hard work! Don’t underestimate it! The deep, soul-stretching work of the Holy Spirit will hurt, but it will also heal. Can you honestly recall a time when you experienced real growth without pain? Does true wisdom come easy? You and I both know the answer.
I read a Facebook post the other day expressing anger at a woman buying a plant at the store that morning, because plants are “not essential.” Another post scorned a woman shopping with multiple children, and “taking her sweet time.” My heart broke. Look deeper! That woman buying the plant? Maybe having something to care for and water is how she will take care of her mental health. Or maybe it’s a gift for someone celebrating a milestone in isolation, or someone who is isolated alone. Be gentle. That woman at the grocery store with five children? She might be a single parent, struggling alone with no one to watch her children for her. Maybe she just got laid off and doesn’t know how she’s going to pay for her groceries. Maybe she’s moving slowly because she’s in a fog of disbelief, or depression or overwhelm. Be gentle. Maybe it’s none of these things and they really are acting in ignorance. Be gentle anyway.
Grace risks being taken for granted. ~ Beth Moore
For the first few weeks of isolation, we did pretty well. No one melted down. No one punched anyone. We were ok. Music and encouragement were flooding Facebook and Instagram. I really appreciated it, but I didn’t need it. Not yet. Now we’re about two months in, and friends, last week the wheels came off the truck. Last week we had some rough days. Lots of tears. Lots of yelling. Even a little bit of kicking, (yes, you read that right…. actual kicking, for heaven’s sake). Apparently, my children have forgotten that indoor voices are an actual thing and it appears that ADHD medications are activated only by entering through school doors 30 minutes after swallowing. Having so much time together as a family to just hang out, reconnect, play boardgames, bake, is a blessing. It is. But so is personal space, and the lack of that can wear us down to the thinnest, fraying, threadbare nerve. But we are learning. We are becoming gentler with each other. Being gentle with each other is hard. Being gentle with myself is harder.
I know others are suffering far more. I know for many around the world lockdown is literally life and death. I know there are thousands, maybe millions, who have lost so, so much and their grief is unmeasurable. I feel their pain in my bones, their tears in my skin. I can know this fully, feel this deeply, and at the same time still acknowledge that my own reality, though not life and death, is still hard. My own hard is still hard.
Maybe today was hard. Tomorrow will be better.
I’m being s t r e t c h e d, and it hurts. But I can hold both of these truths at the same time. It’s not either/or. It’s both/and. I can hold both gratitude and sadness. I can hold compassion for both others and for myself. Acknowledging one does not diminish the other. Both are important. I can’t give to another what I don’t have for myself. The good news is, I can choose to have it. Psychiatrist Viktor E. Frankl said it this way:
Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
And when, in that space, we choose a gentle response, an amazing thing happens. It becomes a pattern of mind, a habit of heart, the very substance of our souls, the thing that comes out when we’re squeezed, and the more we pour it out, the richer we get.
A person’s wisdom yields patience, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. Prov. 19:11
Be kind today, friends, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
Ken Hayes says
Hi Jennifer,
I am new to facebook, and I really don’t know what I am doing…but I wanted to say that your post, blog, or whatever you call it was excellent.
Many thanks for being a wonderful daughter ( yes…I know that officially you are a daughter-in-law…but it does not matter…and I could not love you any more….daughter or daughter -in- law …it does not matter)
I will try to get Mom (Ruth) to read your “stuff”….so far she has not looked at facebook, other than on Sunday mornings.
I hope this message get’s to you. Love, Dad Hayes.
Lavona says
Jennifer you truly have a gift and such grace in the way you present very real and day to day issues. Thank you for your insight I truly look forward to all you have to offer. Praying God’s richest blessings on you today.
Jennifer says
Thank you, Lavona, such kind words and I truly appreciate them!
Deanne says
Proverbs 17:9 whoever conceals an offence promotes love. 🙂 I need this reminder again and again. Thanks Jenn for this. I want to be follower of Christ who promotes His love.
Jennifer says
And that is exactly what you are, my friend! When I think of examples of gentle people in my life, your sweet face always comes to mind!
Joy says
Beautiful again Jennifer. Yes, our reactions are so telling. As Scripture says, “From the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” If we want to truly know our heart condition, we just need to listen to our words. May the fruit of gentleness ripen in our lives during this season, with increasing measure. Thanks for this “gentle” reminder. Love and hugs to you my sweet young friend, Joy (Truly I do think of you as a gentle soul.)
Jennifer says
Thank you Joy, that’s a kind word. I feel like gentleness is something I’m still learning to cultivate, but it’s good to be affirmed that I’ve at least covered some ground! 🙂
Becky Hall says
Thank you for your transparency, Jenn.
I can relate to so much of this – SO much! I love the way you describe gentleness – with others and with self. One will be harder than the other, depending on the day. 🙂