Overcoming Perfectionism: The Pain of Being a Beginner

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I still remember the day I had to force my son to learn to ride a bike. Yes, you read that right… I had to force him. Did I mention he was four and the bike had training wheels? He was having trouble coordinating his feet to push the peddles one at a time. He was frustrated with himself immediately, threw his bike on the ground, crossed his arms and screamed at me “THAT’S IT! I’M NEVER GOING TO RIDE THIS BIKE! I HATE IT!” And then he kicked it.

But I was convinced that I knew better. I mean, what kid doesn’t like riding a bike, for pete’s sake?! So, for the next 45 minutes, I forced him. I made him stay on the bike, while I bent over him, my hands on his little knees pushing them down one at a time to make the pedals turn, while he screamed at me the whole time. Neighbours actually came out onto their porches to see who was torturing this poor child.

Finally, after nearly an hour, his body learned the rhythmn, and he was pedalling on his own. After that he wanted to ride his bike everywhere; “I LOVE my bike, Mommy!” Well I hate to say I told you so, but…. I knew he would love bike riding. I knew the fun and freedom would be worth the effort of learning. He just had to get past the pain of being a beginner.

I realized that day that my little four year old boy had a perfectionist streak a mile wide, and unfortunately, he got it from me.

It took me until the age of 39 to learn to play the piano, because I wasn’t Mozart the first time I sat down at the keys. It took me 10 years to finally start a blog, because it involves a learning curve in both the tech part as well as the actual writing. As I’ve gotten older and more self-reflective, I’ve realized that this has been a pattern in my life. There are many things in my life that I’ve never experienced because I knew I wouldn’t be “perfect” at it right out of the gate. I hated the pain of being a beginner.

Eight years later, I now have 3 children, two of whom are perfectionists. Not the trait I would have chosen to pass on. The irony is not lost on me that in order to help my children to overcome the lie of perfectionism, I would first have to overcome it myself.

A blog I’ve followed off and on for years, The Nesting Place, has a tagline:

It doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful.

I’ve been thinking about this tagline a lot lately. I think I’m realizing, slowly, that beauty is actually found within the imperfections. More to the point, in our imperfections. Where else is God’s glory more evident then when it pours through the cracks of a broken vessel?

The story of my life could have many endings to this tagline:

It doesn’t have to be perfect to be meaningful.

It doesn’t have to be perfect to be valuable.

I don’t have to be perfect to be loveable.

That last one is a real kicker. A few years ago, a wise friend said:

Preach the gospel to yourself every single morning. When the most important question of your existence has already been answered, everything else is just details.

And so I do. I’m preaching these things to my own heart. Regularly. Daily, even, because

God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

The truth is that perfection is a mirage. It doesn’t actually exist. It’s a unicorn. Something we see pictures of on the internet, in magazines, in movies, in stories, but never in real life. This mirage of perfection contains within it many lies, and they open a void in the soul that this world cannot fill. I am still learning to name these lies, to pull them out by the root and plant the truth down deep in its place. It’s messy, painful work, but critically important if I want to help my children be who they want to be, and become who God wants them to become. They’re just waiting for me to go first.

Overcoming perfectionism will likely be a life-long work for me. However far I’ve come, there’s always farther to go. Yet if my Father, who is perfect, does not require it of me, how can I require it of myself? (or anyone else, for that matter). But He delights in a child who teachable, a child on the cusp of learning. He delights in the beginner. That’s why his mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23), not so that I can get it perfect this time, but so that I can be a beginner, and begin again tomorrow.

What word would you put in this blank?

It doesn’t have to be perfect to be ______________________________.