How to Parent An Intense Child

Even at the best of times with the most compliant children, parenting is a tough job. But throw in the extra challenges of hourly emotional meltdowns and chronic inflexibility well beyond the toddler years and our job as parents can feel absolutely impossible. When  traditional parenting techniques and advice don’t work, many parents are left wondering: how do I parent my intense child?

What Is An Intense Child?

If you have an intense child, you know it. While other parents around you don’t think twice about calling their child’s name at the park, you get a knot in your stomach every time because you know calling your child’s name triggers an epic tantrum, no matter what the reason. Meeting social, emotional and behavioural milestones that are intuitive for their peers are more of a challenge for an intense, high-needs child. 

Characteristics of an intense child

No matter what you call them: strong-willed, challenging, difficult, spirited, or high-needs, intense children can be difficult to parent because calm, consistent parenting does not produce a compliant child, as you (and others) would expect. It feels like nothing “works,” and if you are focused solely on compliance, then you’d be right. But these very special kids are not intentionally giving us a hard time for the fun of it. They are genuinely struggling to do even what they themselves want to do.

An intense child struggles with:

• Emotional regulation
• Sensitivity
• Self-control
• Restfulness 
• Focus
• Flexibility
• Compliance

Emotional regulation

Intense children have intense emotions. Whatever they are feeling, it is super-sized. They are never just happy, sad or frustrated. They are ecstatic, devastated or furious. Their emotions are so big and consuming that they don’t know how to manage them. They need help learning strategies to calm themselves down so that the size/expression of their feelings matches the situation.

Sensitivity

 Is your child overly-sensitive to everything? Food textures, clothing, touch, sounds, any or all of these things can provoke a reaction from an intense child because their sensory input is heightened compared to other people’s. Their experience of their environment is amplified. 

Self-control

 Intense children often struggle with impulsive behaviour. They will often act or react before they’ve even had time to think about it. Often it’s like their bodies are acting all on their own. When you say “why did you do that?!” They genuinely don’t know!

Restfulness

 Because their emotions and environments can be so overwhelming, intense children can have a tough time being at rest. It’s hard to be still and quiet or fall asleep when your mind and body won’t stop taking in information. Nighttime sleep can also be an issue. Intense children can have a tough time falling asleep and/or staying asleep. They also might be up early every morning no matter how little sleep they got the night before. 

Focus

 Because intense children have heightened senses, they notice everything. They take in every little sound and movement. This can make it difficult for them to focus on one specific task. 

Flexibility

 Intense children often struggle with flexibility. When things don’t go their way, or there’s a change of plans, they find it difficult to cope. They can also have a one-track mind, when they get on a certain topic or idea, it can be very difficult to change their mind, point of view, or the subject.

Compliance

 Often, intense children are labelled difficult or defiant because they struggle with compliance. But there is a significant difference between defiance and non-compliance. Defiance is deliberate disobedience whereas non-compliance is not necessarily deliberate. An intense child might want to do what you are asking, but because of all of the things they are struggling with, (focus, emotional regulation, etc), they simply cannot do it. They need time and help to pivot and regulate before they can do what you’re asking.

How To Help Your Intense Child

Ok, so you have a high-needs child that is difficult to raise and you know they can’t help it. What now? How do you navigate the emotional landmines of your inflexible child? Is a more peaceful home even possible for you? 

Yes, friend, it is. Though you may always have some additional struggles/limitations to navigate with your child, there are ways to help your child learn the skills of flexibility and more emotional control. And though our parenting journey may never be “easy,” there are things we can do to cultivate a more peaceful home for ourselves and our children. 

Keep a record

If your child has a tough day, take a few moments before you go to bed to just jot down what circumstances triggered a reaction. Ask yourself: what did my child really need? What was he/she trying to accomplish? Why?

Talk to your doctor

Once you have a record of what triggers your child and how often it happens, you can talk to your doctor/pediatrician about possible testing for your child. Are there any medical or developmental factors that could be an underlying cause for their behaviour?

Advocate at school

Having on-going communication with your child’s school, particularly if your child does have medical or developmental needs, is so important! Making sure your child’s teacher knows their triggers and what strategies work/don’t work will not only help your child cope better at school, but it provides consistent language and expectations for them no matter where they are, which will help them learn coping strategies more effectively. Most schools have a wealth of student support resources to offer, so if they are aware of your child’s specific challenges, they can create an adapted or integrated learning plan to help your child be more successful at school. 

Consider counselling

Providing time and space for your child to talk to someone about their struggles in a safe environment can make a world of difference for your child. A counsellor can also help them to learn positive coping strategies that can help significantly in the long run. Counselling can also be incredibly beneficial for you. Having someone to talk to about your own parenting experiences who can also offer you insight and strategies can go a long way for your own wellbeing as a parent. 

Have Grace

I have learned the hard way that the amount of peace in our home was directly related to where I set my expectations. When I was finally able to take my focus off of my child’s behaviour, let go of who I thought our family “should” be, and embrace who we actually are, having peace in our home became possible. Encourage growth by leaving lots of margin for failure:

For your child

When your child feels secure in your acceptance and love for them, and not like they are constantly disappointing you, the safety of your home will cultivate a greater peace within them. It will not happen over night, but it is the slow, purposeful, meaningful work of helping your child be who they want to be, and become who God wants them to become.

For Yourself

My friend, we are only human with limitations of our own, and no parent is perfect. But if you are up at night googling “how to parent an intense child,” and still reading this article, it is because you are a good and loving parent trying to do and be the best you can for your child. You will also make mistakes. Some days you’ll lose it too. And when you do, just ask your child to forgive you and then forgive yourself, because you’re learning and growing too.

Do you recognize at least some of these characteristics either in your child or in a child you know? Where are their particular areas of struggle? What does your intense child look like?

Resources For Support

Printables

Trigger Journal

Websites

Raising Lifelong Learners

Davidson Institute For Talent Development

Brain Balance Achievement Centers

Child Mind Institute

Pediatric Sleep Disordered Breathing

Hey Sigmund

Books

The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D

Smart But Scattered by Peg Dawson, EdD, & Richard Guare, PhD

Different by Sally Clarkson